Most people who know me would say that I am nice (albeit it could be because they fear me due to my crazyness, because I pay them to, or because they have known me long enough to know I really do love all things fluffy, cute, small, or breathing). They would also say that I care very little of what others think. (Just ask Mr. Ninja, who only just tonight at Kroger asked me to please stop 'cooling' myself over the meat section because people around us didn't know we had just finished 2 1/2 miles and were comparing me to the fat woman who was hanging out at the shrimp cooler while chatting on her cell phone.)
However- there is a certain amount of resentment that comes with what I can only describe as forced niceness due to political correctness, or the fear of someone thinking I am a complete douche solely based on my facial expressions, thereby causing me to compile the following list, (which despite my best effort I was unable to give neither a short or simple title to).
So, I give you:
The top ten scenarios that make me feel obligated to smile, which almost immediately make me want to kick someone.
1. Ugly babies, for fear of appearing to be a bitch.
2. Black and white couples, for fear of appearing racist.
3. Fat people, for fear of being judgemental.
4. Disabled, crippled, or handicap people, for fear of appearing insenstive.
5. Old people, for fear of appearing disrespectful.
6. Poor people, for fear of appearing snobby.
7. Overly attractive girls, for fearing of appearing jealous.
9. Overly attractive men, for fear of appearing insecure.
10.Crazy people, for fear of appearing to be their next victim.
Besides the feeling of incredible lameness that follows these unnatural smiles (Not because I wouldn't smile at these people, but because I feel obligated to smile at these people so as not to offend them) the following occurs..
When the normal folks walk by and offer me a smile I am just too smiled out to even bother, hoping they will understand... And then I spend the rest of the night wondering why the fuck they smiled at me in the first place and which of the above 10 they lumped me in with.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
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10 comments:
Are you kidding me? We must be related...
I pride myself on my "slightly-awkward yet as heartfelt as can be expected given the circumstances" smile for each of those situations you mentioned.
I've even perfected my "extremely forced, non-smiling" laugh for those out-of-touch-with-reality folks who believe they're the next "Last Comic Standing".
Granted, the latter works better when I'm on the phone...
I am a guy and I always feel the need to smile at any guy that walks by in better shape than me so I don't appear to be intimidated. Then I feel creepy and wonder if he thought I was checking him out.
I read this to my sister and mom during a bbq last night - we all loved it! So true and only the daring will speak of it. Go ninja!!
As a test of my own self will I attempted to make it through an entire evening out without smiling at anyone on my top 10 list (At least those who were only getting smiles BECAUSE they were on my top 10 list)
I got:
A dirty look from an obviously starving girl, a silent glare from a mother of a half troll child, and a head shake from Catholic Priest.
The guilt was far too much, I'm thinking of sending them all apology cards.
You have a marvelously titled and contented blog. It has reminded me of my own socially-challenged techniques in said scenarios.
You totally hit the nail on the head there for me. Nice one.
Great blog...a cheese eating poker player...I was sold after I read that...
Hahaha.
I smile at strangers and avoid the people I know because I am not certain how I am supposed to react to them naturally.
you almost make me not want to go to the store anymore. all those smiling people now give me the creeps.
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