I've made a mess out of living and you never got the chance..

 It's been a while since I thought about you.  I guess life just got busy and it was easy to forget it all for a little while.   But yesterday a conversation with a friend brought you back, and I guess my heart was eager to feel guilty for not feeling guilty enough these days.

My life is so different than I imagined it would be laying on the hill, looking at the clouds, planning out what we'd be when we grew up, back when we had no idea you'd never have the chance.

And all I could think is ...."What have I done...?"
All this time I have had that you never did...and what did I do with it all? 

I've taken a life, lost a life, bulldozed through more.

I've broken a heart, and had mine destroyed.

I've had some things handed to me, and I've worked my ass off for others.

....and the irony is - I lost it all just the same.

I've lied, and I've lived lies, and I've let people lie.

Some of them I hated, and some of them I didn't.

I've told the truth when I shouldn't have, and

I've used truth to hurt people.

To be honest- sometimes I have forgotten which was which. 

I've literally saved a life, and figuratively wished I knew how.

I've prayed in public for people to be happy, and secretly prayed for ruin.

..Sometimes they were the same people.

I've been on top of the world with everything,

and laying on the bathroom floor with nothing...

I've been lost in a crowd of people one minute,

and so alone it aches the next...

I've loved someone else's child as my own, and husband too.

I've been a hypocrite, and a whore.

Worse, I've been my mother.

I have been proud when I should have been ashamed.

I have been happy when it was the farthest thing from what I deserved.

I have fallen so far from grace in the name of love..

But...

I have been blessed.

And 

I have stood for what I believed in,

worked for the greater good,

put my money where my mouth was,

walked the walk..

I've stopped to kiss a crying child,

I've found beauty where others saw nothing,

I've been a mother,  a lover, a friend..

the best I could be.

And I've made the only choices I could live with. 

Even those that seem like burdens now.

....And I realized halfway through this scorecard that what I have done is live.
All this time you've been gone .. I've lived.

My life really did go on without you.  Just like that.  One day turned into three, and into a week, and one day I was voting, and then drinking, and going to college, and seeing the first black President.  It just keeps going on and on and on...  And I don't know if I've done a good job, and I have often assumed you'd be disappointed in me for a lot of what I've done,  but I think you'd be proud that I lived...


See I remember this time we were at Baskin Robbins, and I always got Mint Chocolate Chip in a cup, and it drove you crazy, so you made me try Pistachio ice cream, which you said was the very worst flavor they had,  and I HATED it.   And you said  "What's the point in 31 flavors if all you ever get is the one you know you like...."

So maybe life's not like chocolate, maybe it's like ice cream.  And maybe the bad sucks, but it's just as relevant, and just as real, and just as important as the good in the end.. because it's all life...And what's the point in having all these emotions and choices to make if we only ever get it right?

I bet that's what you'd say.