We had been shopping for something at the mall, the radio was playing on the drive back to his apartment and I found myself trying to tune out the songs that came and went because the last thing I needed was a musical reminder of a moment like this. No one wants to hear a song three or thirty years later and think of someone they don't love anymore.
It's not that he did anything wrong, it's more that he didn't do anything right. Fickle as it makes me- it just turned out he wasn't who I thought he was, but to be fair- he wasn't who he thought he was either. He was just.. empty. He was this giant black hole of ..himself. He had the potential to be great, which made it almost pathetic when he fell short time and time again, and I was tired of watching him suffer and tired of being sad for him.
He was on some sort of sinking ship and staring out the window that day at nothing and everything all at once -I realized that for a long time he had been using me to stay afloat and he hadn't even noticed that I was starting to sink too. He would have let me drown, he would have let me slip away without a second thought due to apathy and incurable disregard for anything or anyone other than himself.
The years we spent together flashed quickly before my eyes.
I was dancing in the park at midnight, eating ramen noodles from a shared bowl on the couch, watching the barges at the lake, making love in 100 degree weather in the back of his car, standing at a carnival wondering what our children would look like, floating and falling.. in love.
And then... I wasn't.
I was standing on a street corner in a city I hadn't visited for years, waiting to cross a street I used to take to work, when I saw him. At first I wasn't sure it was him, he looked nothing like I remembered, and even worse than I had imagined he would.
He looked lonely. Not the kind of lonely you get when you don't have friends or family, or when you've been sitting in your apartment for days without seeing anyone. No, it was the kind of lonely you get when you've spent your entire life pretending to be someone you are not, living in a world of lies and betrayal, unfaithfulness. It was the look of lonely that could only be worn by someone who had known more than one great love, or at least they had known him, but lost them by doing nothing at all, precisely nothing- except taking them for granted, or taking advantage, just taking..always taking.
He looked sad. Not just depressed, but pathetic, which in itself is could be depressing. He stood there waiting for the light to change, a sign that he could go- though it was obvious he had no idea where he was going, and probably was still unaware of how or why he ended up where he was.
We stood for a few moments, he on his corner, and me on mine. Only a few feet separated us- but we were lifetimes apart. He was a stranger now, and it broke my heart to see him through the eyes of someone who didn't love him, (at least not anymore). He was clumsy, uncertain, and insecure and all of the things that once made him great were gone now, either because I was no longer imagining them, or he was no longer pretending them. Either way I was embarrassed, if he were truly an emperor- I saw now that he had no clothes.
The light changed...and I walked. I had places to go, someone to be.. And as our eyes met and he noticed me for the first time I gave him a small smile- the kind you give out of guilt or pity. The uncomfortable kind that is somehow supposed to make up for the fact that once upon a time you both had the same chance to be happy and you had seized it and ran and lived, and loved, and gone on and on.. and for all the temporary satisfactions they would find in life; a drink, a drug, an affair, a moment or two to get lost in- they would always wake up and want for so much more than they had, or settle for so much more than they could have had.
Thinking back to him while I literally and figuratively went on with my life, it occurred to me;
...Once upon a time I thought behind the mask and costume he wore was a superhero waiting to emerge. Now I saw him as I had been too blind to see him before.
And still,
Of all the people I'll ever forget, I did love him the most.
3 comments:
This leaves me with a weird sadness. People and our responses, that is what we have.
Jaymie,
For some reason every time I re-read this I feel something different.
I wanted to depict a certain coldness that I felt towards the situation I was writing about. I wanted to teeter on the line of victimizing the guy and making the woman the bad guy- though truth be told all he ever did was use her, take her for granted, and betray her.
There is a certain guilt that comes when the anger is gone, when you get over the hurt and sadness, when you become strong and whole and happy- and I suppose that guilt is maybe a sign that you did truly really love that person once upon a time- because you feel bad that you don't feel worse.
If that makes any sense at all, and I'm not saying it does.
I have been the guy that lost the girl that I never deserved to begin with. When she first left I was relieved that the pressure was gone and so were the expectations. When I grew up and realized there was more to the world than me I missed everything about her including who she could have helped me be.
She still won't speak to me but I imagine she sees me the same as you see him and that makes me sad on one hand and proud of her on the other. I'm glad I didn't manage to kill her self worth in the end.
Great writing.
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